Dear Diary,
I fear that my last diary entry may come this year. I have been fooled before and that has been a good thing.
However, this has been a most intense week with very little of the time allowing the concentration needed to start anew on my writings for my memoir, Down and Dirty (until the name changes, I am holding out for a better one).
I could not possible describe the intense screeching, screaming and shrieking in my brain. It is the worst ever when the constancy and the intensity are put together. I have had this before but not for long. It builds and builds. I am not shocked because it was doing so before I went to my reunion in Salina, KS. I assumed it would worsen some time after I came back. It has done so but how much is due to the noise I was exposed to and how much would have happened anyway? I will never know because the "shit" gets worse regardless of what I do.
So, what a freaking sob story, eh? I just have no idea of how much I can take, how much I will take. There has to be a perceived benefit for someone, for me to continue. So far that is working for me.
Another 3 months to get to Vancouver to see Malia, my wonderful daughter. Can I pull that off? I have crap going on in my head that would make anyone scream aloud if it were popped into his/her head suddenly. I am like the frog in water that is gradually heating at this point. But I feel it so not like the frog because I feel everything.
I will, one day, likely end this shit by myself. If lucky a truck will find me or some other misfortune. I regret a couple of things besides dying with the music still in me. I will hurt several people, some deeply. It is wonderful to feel that I am loved that much. Some die totally alone and never feel such a thing.
The other detail I wish is that I could tell everyone what is happening so that I could draw those persons close to me and give a goodbye hug and one last "I love you," to make sure I have done everything. I will do my best to achieve this without speaking of my exact plight.
I dread the last of my life because it will be quite the bitch. and so it goes. I won't be the first nor the last to put up with unspeakable shit.
I don't know if there is anything to add to this except cleaning up what I can, to make the thing the least objectionable for others.
I coulda done better but I was always, ALWAYS, trying to do my best and always trying to improve. Would love to have known more in the early stages of my life, to make the latter stages work better. In case someone reads this I want to point out that this is sadness not whining. I don't see it that way, at least.
And so, I must get busy preparing for what seems inevitable but without a specific deadline. It will happen when it happens. This year, 2010, I would not change a thing. I have broken out and returned to some of the world and I have felt love again. In some ways I am very lucky. In some ways the whole thing sucks.
To quote from the Life of Brian, "Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it. Always look on the bright side of life!"
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