Went to my class reunion in Salina, KS. I had a great time. The "shit" stayed at bay, it wasn't so much fun-the head noise but I got by. I went to Grand Island to see Carolyn. Had a good time and had some pretty good days. A good day for me is one in which I feel I can whip the world, my mind is relatively clear and I think I can deal with the shit. Then yesterday and today came and what I ran away from to go to KS is back. It is different but it is not nice. There are no words to describe it.
I am achieving my short term goals, one by one. Nate left for Japan and will be signed and settled soon. Judy is off to Las Vegas to see school mates on Thurs - Sun. I will make those goals. The only important one left is to go to Vancouver to see Malia at XMAS time.
How to get through until then seems like a real challenge. If I am standing I am going. I am understanding one day at a time, more and more. I am miserable right now but still hopeful that it will subside so that I can write some more. I really want to do that now. I am looking forward to it. We shall see.
I could sure use someone to hug me and hold me. That would be nice. Don't remember the last time it happened, with a real caring hug. I get the occasional perfunctory hug, usually sideways. I have essentially given up trying for such things. I try to hug Judy but it always seems like she is ready to have it end, nearly as soon as it starts. I love you, words. Ain't never going to happen. Wrong, when I take her to the airport she will say "Love ya" before we part.
Thanks, I have whined and feel little better but it doesn't seem to have been useless.
I am so scared for what the rest of my life will be like. It will be mostly alone and it will be gradually a bigger piece of crap. I could have done so much to help and I cut myself down, no less than a machine gun nest. Okay, I am gone.
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