I need a Trunk Monkey

Dear Moosey,


You are really loose.  Everything I have pissed and moaned about is happening.  It has been building with few setbacks but what happened last night is really truly awful.  The ante has been upped so much that I don't know what to do or to think.
The screaming is incessant and has me losing sleep again.  I got used to sleeping enough to need only a few naps but this noise in my head is taking me where I thought I was going so so many times before.
What I hate most of all is the timing.  Here I am ready to go to Canada in 10 days.  That trip is in jeopardy, one way or another.  One way is that I might not be on the plane, another way is that I go and I am so crazed from the crap in my head that I cannot sleep or be a good visitor.  Or much worse.
I can foresee coming home early.

As bad as anything is that no matter what happens many/most will think it is my anticipation of Vancouver that is the problem, not the shit in my head.  I just got a lightning pain into my left TMJ, This is what I am talking about.  Since no one talks to me everything becomes what they think it is.
I just don't want to be thought of as weak.  What am I doing, trying to convince myself that I am strong?  I am talking to no one.

I hate being alone with no one to talk to and no one to hold me and no one to show me they love me.  I love Judy so much and all I do is suck it up and wish she loved me.  I may get extremely angry but it is at the lack of communication that I get angry.  I only hear the b.s. that I, in her mind, do wrong.  sometimes that is constant, too.

Well, I am done pissing and moaning again.  I shall be napping, I hope, as the day goes on.

"IT" is getting into the "extremely bad" category rapidly.  If it doesn't lessen, I am there.

I grew up alone, I guess I shall die alone.

Love and kisses.  The man who would have been a great guy.