I feel a strange anger, strange partially because of its intensity. Anger builds and builds because I am less and less able to think and perform. On a good day, my thoughts are the clearest they have been in my entire life but so what? If free of this noise, this electrical transformer caroming electrical shocks around in my skull I could make use of those thoughts, maybe. (Vielleicht.)
I want to do something useful, something productive, something good. I am want to explode with energy from ideas that come to mind regarding things I could do. I could conquer the world and yet I must harness everything and listen to my master - the inability to tolerate noise, the very essence of life - noise and sound.
I want to quit and die and have it over with but ..... Maybe I can squeeze something else out of the old brain and this body that is healthy and bursting with available energy. I am so angry that I have to put a choke-chain on all my desires, to keep them in check, for if I do what I would like I would not sleep for a week because of all the noise I would stir up in my brain and ears.
I want to love, I want to live, I want to work and create, and I want to feel all those things that I did not know how to feel when younger. I am unencumbered by fear now. There is nothing that comes to mind that I fear, aside from being disemboweled and a few other tortures. I fear no man except the physical harm that he could cause; emotionally I fear nothing. Years of looking death, silence, controlled emotions, and whatever else, have taken all the fear away.
That makes me angry because the most beautiful things I can imagine are kept away because I am locked into this brain, the one that is so sensitive in only one way/one aspect., but I am as strong as my weakest link. Keep baseball bats from me for I do fear that I might go crazy and break very expensive stuff.
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